Genesis is the monthly newsletter of Strategenis a change facilitation consultancy. The newsletter is intended to provide a forum for exploration of complexity, leadership, and group dynamics within human systems. It will provide a means to making sense of the emerging understanding about complexity and the practical challenges faced by leaders, teams and communities as they attempt to sustain the capacity to succeed in a dynamic environment.

The name genesis was chosen to the reflect the sense of beginning and emergence from initial conditions. Just as Lorenz explored how the flap of a butterfly wing in Brazil could lead to a tornado in Texas, our goal is that Genesis will create some great conversations.  

Turning together, Conversations that change. By Paul Mackey ©Strategenis                     

Has the art of conversation has been lost, only to be replaced by thirty second sound bites, chat room ping pong, politically correct crossfire and info glut? These days, we seem overwhelmed by one way media, we rarely see examples of inquisitive, learning conversations ( except perhaps in the movies, in books, or sitcoms.) We don't see our politicians and business leaders in conversation with each other. Instead we see them either promoting a viewpoint or defending it. Rarely can we observe our leaders as they let go of their defenses and seek to understand. Who then do we have to model our own conversations upon and where can we practice the art? To find the answer, we usually need to look a little bit closer to home. We turn to family, friends, and colleagues for our conversations. It is here that we practice, take risks, accept criticism, and learn. It is in conversation with others that we discover the need for change, explore how to change, test new behaviours, receive recognition for our efforts, omit mistakes, and find allies. Reflect on those times when you have made a life changing decision- most likely it involved a crucial conversation.

Phill Harkins, in his book “Powerful Conversations: How High Impact Leaders Communicate” contends that real change in organizations and in individuals, happens through conversations. Harkins suggests three elements which are essential for to make conversations truly powerful. First, there needs to be some expression of the wants and needs of each participant. Secondly, the conversation surfaces each participant's ideas, important feelings and beliefs. Finally there needs to be explicitly stated and shared commitment to move forward. Leaders who use their skills to have “powerful” conversations , can dramatically increase their chances for successful change. He points out that a leader who has three powerful conversations each day will have a thousand in a year. This can move organizations.

To make a conversation powerful, Harkins suggests that leaders take a three phase approach.

• Phase One: Start the conversation with an honest feeling or a sincere expression of need requiring the support of

  others. Sharing feeling and needs signal to others the importance of the issue and that it is ok to share

  feelings.

• Phase Two: As the conversation, progresses probe for the wants, needs, and goals of the other

  individual. These needs and any hidden agendas which are surfaced, need to be met in the process of

  achieving the leader's own agenda. .

• Phase Three:The leader makes sure the next steps are clear, and what each participant commits to to help achieve them This is also the time to check that the needs and wants talked about in phase two have been addressed in the conversation.

However, holding a powerful or meaningful conversation is a lot tougher than following steps, or a process. Each conversation is a step into the unknown and each has the characteristics of complex adaptive systems. Our conversations can very quickly turn crucial. One question or statement can easily throw us off track. Small differences in initial starting points can lead to unpredictable results. What emerges often has an aspect of surprise and unpredictability. For example, certain words or phrases, become what Robert Becal^1. calls “hot phrases”- phrases loaded with emotion which trigger anger and confrontation. “Hot phases” act as “tags” which signal the need for a“fight or flight” response. For example, during a session which I facilitated, participants grouped ideas from a brainstorm into themes. However, there remained two or three ideas which didn't fit with the others. I suggested to the group that we could either find a home for these orphan ideas or create a home for them. One of the members of the group abruptly stopped participating. At the next break ,she confided to me that the use of the term “orphan” to describe ideas upset her as she was an orphan . Becal notes that once you use a hot phrase in a conversation, even unknowingly, you may trigger a confrontational response which will overwhelm the content and the real intent of your message. Anger trumps listening. When this happens, the opportunity for a meaningful conversation evaporates and the chance that real change can emerge dissipates.

Conversations can take a wrong turn

• when participants have not made assumptions and intent clear,

• when the exploration of wants and needs is skipped,

• when defenses go up (fight), or participants withdraw (flight),

• when intent is confused with content,

• when “voice” is not given, nor received,

• when power differences inhibit participation

• when it doesn't seem safe,

• when hot words and phrases are used

• when the reasons for staying in the conversation are too weak to hold participants

• more

In their book “Difficult Conversations, How to Discuss What matters Most” Stone, Patten and Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project, decode the structure of difficult conversations. Surprisingly, in spite of the seemingly infinite variations to conversation, they share a common structure: There is a gap between what is said, and what is thought but not said. “We need to understand what the people involved are thinking and feeling but not saying to each other. In difficult conversations this is usually where the real action is.” ^1. Through study of hundreds of difficult conversations , Stone, Patten and Heen identified an underlying structure which applies no matter what the subject. They propose that our conversations fall into three types.

1. The “what happened? Conversation- who did what, who meant what, who is to blame, who's right, and what should be done.

2. The Feelings Conversation- are my feelings valid, should I express them, what should I do about the other person's feelings?

3. The Identity Conversation – what does it mean to us, are we good or bad, competent or not. What is the impact on our self image.

Although an understanding of these structures and the kinds of typical mistakes we make in conversation can help , the authors acknowledge that “ there are certain challenges in each of the three conversations that we can't change” ^1.

Given the things that can go wrong, there is a tendency to avoid deep conversations, the conversations that can change us and those which can change our community. It's a lot safer to stick to talking about the weather or the latest reality series. It's easier to talk, only with those that see things the same way we do. It's easier to accept the simple explanations than deal with the entanglements of complexity. Yet, each of us has experienced a conversation which was a turning point.

We know that conversations can and do have the power to change us. We also know , if we can admit it, that these changing conversations are often the very conversations which we would rather avoid.

I suggest that this avoidance of significant conversations has a lot to do with fear:

• fear that we might have to change our position, our belief, our behaviour;

• fear that our emotions will over rule rationality- or the reverse;

• fear that we may ruin a relationship;

• fear that we might embarrass ourselves;

• fear that we don;t have the skills to navigate the waters of a difficult conversation;

• fear of letting down our defenses

• and many more

A changing conversation is easy as long as it is the other person that has to change.

First Steps towards better conversation:

The first step towards more effective conversations has to do with listening- to yourself! How easy it is to think that conversations would be better if only the other person listened to your completely rational and well stated point of view. Of course the problem is that most of us think that we are the only ones who are seeing things clearly. This leads us to defend ourselves, to provide even more explanation so that the other person will “get it”. Why not try a different approach? Listen to your self and observe when you are starting to get defensive. Listen for what you really want from the conversation. Is it a “what happened” “feelings” or “identity conversation”? Listen to your words- are the “hot phrases” which flip the conversation into a emotional response? Try to re-frame the conversation from a confrontational view to a learning stance. Inquire for understanding and understand your own tendency as well.

Here are some great resources which can help you to get your conversation skills on the move:

Robert Becal (Author)

Barbara Walters, (Author), “How to Talk To Practically Anyone about Practically Anything”

Phil Harkins, (Author), “Powerful Conversations, How High Impact Leaders Communicate”

Susan Scott,(Author) “Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work and In Life One Conversation at a Time”

Douglas Stone, (Author) et al, “Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most”

Kerry Patterson, (Author), “ Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High”

William Stewart Mills, (Author), “Breakthrough: The power of Conscious Conversation”